July 9, 2012
How can I even begin to describe the pain of this hurt?
I am overwhelmed with sadness, has it been done intentionally? No. Are they really that selfish? No. Do they not understand all I have done for them? No. Do they realize the deep heart piercing pain I am feeling? No.
Ever since I had children I have put them first. Yes, first, usually even before my own needs and wants. I thought it was what I was suppose to do. While growing up it was a decision I made and a promise I made to myself. At the time I didn't realize that the bond between the two of them would become so strong that I would become an afterthought.
I am so hurt that I can't even write about it.
They know what family means to me
they know how important those babies are to me
they know I would and have done anything for them
they know they have always been first
they know I will drop everything and jump and run when they call
July 11, 2012
After thinking about this for 4 days and many tears I have some more thoughts to share.
Because of the lack of a relationship with my mother, as a child, I decided to have what I didn't have with my mother with my girls . And because of this promise to myself, I guess out of guilt I have placed on myself, I have always gone overboard to be available to them.
I guess I have allowed myself to be "manipulated" (probably too strong of a word) by them. They know the weakness I have for them and the grandbabies and they play this to their advantage.
As I said, manipulation is probably too strong of a word--but in essence this is what it is. And I allow it, out of my guilt to be sure I am ALWAYS available when they need/want me!!
So, how do I get past the hurt and move forward and not have the guilt?
I don't know.