Monday, December 13, 2010
So my question is:
Is my speaking the truth the same as you speaking the truth?
So how can truth be so distorted if it is truth? If it is actual facts or information how can it be something other than truth?
Do you make it untruth when you decide to embellish the story? Do you make it untruth when you say what you think the other person wants to hear?
How do you decipher between a truth and an untruth? How can you trust someone who tells untruths?
I will always speak the truth to the best of my knowledge. Under no circumstances will I embellish a story to make it sound better. Under no circumstances will I speak an untruth and say what I think another person wants to hear.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
As you read this account of the happenings in my life over 2 weeks I hope you see the Hand of God moving in and through each day and each circumstance. I have been overwhelmed by His goodness, mercy and grace He has shown me during this very difficult time.
Before this I had been feeling very far away from God. I know it was my own doing. But He had been calling me back. I am so grateful for His love and mercy and grace even when I pull away and created a shell around me.
Quiet time on Wednesday, August 26, 2009; 1Kings 18:1-15; the story of Elijah and Obadiah.
Quiet time on Thursday, August 27, 2009; 1 Kings 18:22-36; Elijah on Mount Carmel. Charles Stanley wrote, He not only works through people of faith He transforms them!! GOD IS GOOD.
It began on Thursday, August 27, with my evaluation at work. I knew it was coming and felt that I would be attacked verbally. I had asked a guy in HR if I felt uncomfortable in the evaluation could I ask for a third party. He said yes. Things went badly very fast. I was accused of talking about my boss in a negative way to fellow coworkers and community leaders. Because of her anger and hostility I told her how uncomfortable I was and wanted a third party in the office. She stepped out and the HR guy I had spoken to earlier was outside my door!!! GOD IS GOOD! I was told I wasn’t a team player and I needed to be put on a growth plan to determine if I could build a stronger working relationship with my department. I felt as though my character was being attacked.
Quiet time on Friday, August 28, 2009; 1 Kings 18:34-40. Charles Stanley wrote, we’re to be like a bunch of grapes whose juices blend in times of pressure. GOD IS GOOD.
On Friday, August 28, I resigned because of the attacks and I felt that firing was imminent. I had no idea what I would do next. I had no prospects of a job. Not even a clue as to where to look. Just that I could no longer work under the duress any longer. She was so hostile and barely speaking to me. I decided that I needed to fill out a grievance form (I had to fill it out in the bathroom because of the hostility). When I to tell the HR guy I was going to resign he told me he had never seen anyone so out of control as my boss. I told him we deal with that all the time. Once I told my boss I had turned in my resignation I was overcome with an overwhelming peace about the situation. GOD IS GOOD.
Friends and coworkers where shocked. They couldn’t believe that in this economy I would quit my job without a job to go to! I told them that God has gotten me out of worse scrapes than this! And I had such peace about giving my notice that I knew everything would be fine. GOD IS GOOD.
During all this craziness Christine Mann, my pastor’s wife, emailed me and said someone had the Esther Bible Study DVDs so we didn’t have to spend money on purchasing them!! I had offered to lead this study at church long before any of this happened. GOD IS GOOD!
My daughter, Cathy, wanted to set a date to reevaluate the situation encase I didn’t get a job right away (she and her husband own my home and rent it to me). I told her that the first part of October and the end of November kept coming to me. That we could reassess the first part of October. And I felt that I had to stay in the Denton area through the end of November. Two reasons I wanted to stay in Denton, through November, was the Esther Bible Study I would be leading and the Encounter Weekend I had signed up for at church.
The Friday night I resigned I went to a live simulcast of Beth Moore. I had signed up for the simulcast about a week before any of this happened. While waiting for the simulcast to start I talked to my neighbor across the street and she said she had a Beth Moore workbook for Esther I could have—she hadn’t done the study!!! GOD IS GOOD!! Beth Moore taught on Psalms 37:1-8!! Every scripture reference, every song and every prayer confirmed that I did what I was suppose to do!! I was overwhelmed by the timing of all of this. GOD IS GOOD.
Sunday, August 30, at church I talked to Donna Smith, a friend. I told her about the ordeal at work and my quitting. I asked her to keep me in her prayers. She said she would pray for me then. In her prayer she referenced the end of November!! I about jumped out of my skin. GOD IS GOOD.
After church I was looking for a friend’s phone number when I saw another friend’s phone number and called her instead. I told her about quitting my job. She said her daughter had an opening and that they had 114 applicants and 10 interviews and no one was right! When her daughter stopped by later she told her about me. Her daughter wanted my resume on Monday!! GOD IS GOOD.
Sunday night I went to the catalyst meeting at church. The scripture references: Romans 12:1-2, v9-21. Find God’s good and pleasing good will to transform us. Live the Christian life – God has called us to. We will be persecuted. Overcome evil with good. GOD IS GOOD.
Quiet time, Monday, August 31, 2009; 1 Kings 18:41-46. Need committed prayer life.
Quiet time, Tuesday, September 1, 2009; Eph. 4:20-24. Choose carefully where to focus my mental energy.
The lady from UNT called. Told me about the job and said she wanted to meet with me. GOD IS GOOD.
That evening I typed up the grievance against my boss. The entire time I was typing I kept hearing, don’t do this, you don’t need to do this.
Quiet time, Wednesday, September 2, 2009; Joshua 1:5-9. Charles Stanley wrote, when we are obedient to Him, even if we fail in the world’s eyes, we still have joy, peace and contentment. GOD IS GOOD.
I turned in my grievance. When I got back to my desk, God clearly said you shouldn’t have done that. I called a coworker and met with her. I went back to HR and got the grievance back. I know—I am a slow learner!
I met with the lady from UNT at lunch. I gave her my references, she said they weren’t necessary. She unofficially offered me the job. GOD IS GOOD.
Saturday, September 5, I got a call from my sister. Our mom’s house had a buyer and they want to close the end of September. That means the first part of October I will have the money from the sale. Remember on August 28 I told my daughter we would reassess the first part of October. I thought that was the reason that date kept coming to mind. God was revealing it to me, I just didn’t know why!! GOD IS GOOD. Back in July 2008 while stopped in Sudan, Texas, at the post office to mail postcards to my grandkids from my vacation, I meet a lady who gave me a word of scripture. It has been hard to stand by this sometimes in the last year, but I have. It was Proverbs 20:21; An inheritance quickly gained at the beginning will not be blessed at the end. This is coming at the perfect timing of God. GOD IS GOOD. I knew when the money came through I would make a donation to the Women’s Ministry at church to thank God for His goodness and His faithfulness. I gave Chris (my pastor’s wife) the check October 4. (The first part of October!!)
Tuesday, September 8, 2009; Ps 1:1-3. Charles Stanley wrote, share what you’ve learned. This will encourage others while strengthening you and sinking the lesson deep in your heart. I am telling anyone who will listen to my story.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009; Gal 2:11-16. Charles Stanley wrote, our heavenly Father knows people verbally attack us, and He has promised to protect us. Nothing can touch His children apart from His permissive will. He has the power to work painful times into something beneficial (Rom 8:28). We are His beloved children. He is a loving Father who understands what we’re going through and remains by our side. As His children, we are not on our own. When we believe in the Lord’s sovereign rule, our perspective on hard times changes. We will turn to Him in prayer and ask for guidance.
Thursday, September 10, 2009; I got a email from UNT officially offering me the job. GOD IS GOOD.
October 9-11, 2009 Women’s Encounter Weekend Retreat
I knew I needed to go, but I didn’t know why. Friday night Pastor Jim began by talking about the fact that so many of us (women) grew up without a good role model as a father. I thought, God I didn’t want to deal with this on this weekend! Can’t you help me heal something else? But I quickly realized that this was why I was here and quit fighting God. He wanted me here, on this weekend to understand his love for me. That no matter what “crap” I had to deal with from my dad—he wasn’t my earthly father, he was my Heavenly Father and he LOVES me. It was a hard journey, but I came to realize my earthly father also loved me.
It’s so funny how things work!! At the close of the weekend Sunday afternoon we went to the front to have the leaders pray for us. I “thought” I wanted Chris to pray for me. But as I stepped up, Rene came across the room and asked if I was ready for her to pray for me. She said God is always talking to me and I have to be quiet and listen. As she prayed she said I was like a rose who was opening up and I was beautiful. And God loves me. As she was praying I realized why she came across the room to pray for me—she was suppose to—God had a word for me—my earthly father use to grow the most beautiful roses. So, I was a beautiful rose in earthly father’s eyes and I am a beautiful rose in my Heavenly Father’s eyes. This was a WOW moment. I have finally forgiven my dad for not being what I needed him to be. But he was a good dad, he got us away from an abusive step-father. He loved me. He just didn’t know how to show it. But that is OK, I now know in his heart—he loved me. And I love him and I miss him a lot. He really was a funny man. He would sing us funny songs when we would go to East Texas to see his parents. He made the BEST beef vegetable stew. He gave the best hugs. Oh, to have a moment now to tell him all of this. To tell him I LOVE YOU.
I keep thinking about Esther—such a time as this!! I have tried the last year to get into this study at different churches and it never worked out! It is because God needed me here at my church to lead the study. He knew I would need it at such a time as this.
This was two overwhelming weeks. I am overwhelmed by the love of my Father God. I am overwhelmed by the fact He does love me, He will protect me and He will always care for me no matter where I am in my walk. I have had such trust issues all my life. Everyone I have ever cared about has left me. I didn’t have a good role model for a dad so looking at God as “dad” has always been difficult for me. But through this I now know Him as Dad or Papa (if you have read The Shack). I know I have to have a committed prayer life, a time set aside for just us. I know he wants to bless me with the desires of my heart, but I have to be able to delight in Him. I feel anew in His love for me. Overwhelmed is the only word that can describe how I feel about His love and devotion for me.
I am not waiting for the end of November, I am anxiously anticipating (as Beth Moore says). I have not got a clue what the significance of the date, but my Father God knows and I trust that it will be overwhelming and help me to further trust Him!!!
Find a job quickly, work for a Christian, sold my mom’s house, peace with my dad
Monday, June 28, 2010
How do I remove this attitude from my heart? How do I make a decision to just be a bit trusting? I know I can trust God but it’s these humans I am having trouble with.
My heart tells me all people are good, honest, giving people, but my head keeps reminding me of those in the past that haven’t been so good, honest and giving.
I guess it all comes down to time. Give people time to prove themselves one way or the other. Then the decision can be made to keep them in my circle of friends or not.
I know it is best for me to keep this attitude for a while with any new person in my life. Taking the hide and watch attitude is probably best. With this attitude I can protect my tender heart. I think where the heart is concerned this is the best way to protect it from further damage. But at what point do I stop questioning everything that is said? When do I begin to accept things that are said? When do I see the motives are good and sincere?
Time will tell, as they say!
Monday, June 21, 2010
God knows how this word has tripped me up all my life. I trust too much, too soon, and sometimes for too long.
It is an issue He has been working at to get me to trust Him, totally unconditionally, with everything in my life. I give Him some things only to take them back again because I have held them so close for so long. It is too hard not to have them to hold onto.
In my silly little mind—I know I can do all things in my own strength!! I have for so long, so I thought! Only to realize that all I have done and been through God was walking with me the entire time. Even when I have so boldly put my clenched fist up to Him and so very boldly told Him, ‘I don’t need you.’ He still loved me, still cared for me, still wanted me to be part of His flock.
I think about the past. All the people in my life that were suppose to love and protect me and didn’t. Why? Because they didn’t know how? Because they didn’t really love me? Because they were self-serving? Why?
I don’t have the answers to those questions. And if I take time to be quiet—God tells me it doesn’t matter—He knows how to love me and that is all that truly matters. He is willing to love me no matter what I have done in the past, what I am doing right now or what I will do in the future. He loves me, unconditionally.
So, when someone trusts me, unconditionally, sharing their pain from the past, what do I do with it? I cherish it. It is a glimpse into their heart. In return it opens my heart to trust them with some of my pain from the past. I have to trust that they in turn will cherish what I have shared and it will open their heart to trust me more.
To earn someone’s trust, I think I have to be vulnerable. In return, when I am vulnerable, I am showing trust to the person I am being vulnerable with.
Trust is being vulnerable, knowing I can’t do it all alone, saying ‘I need you’, to someone other than myself.
This is what God wants, me to be vulnerable to Him in all areas of my life. He wants me to give Him my hurts, fears, regrets, mistakes, misgivings and pains and trust that He will hold them close to His heart. He wants to heal all these areas in my life so I can move on without them holding me back.
So the area in my life that has tripped me up the most is the area that God has proved Himself over and over again.
Today He is telling me to be vulnerable, to trust, to let go! He will be here beside me each step of the way, so when I get scared all I have to do is tell Him. When I let go and trust He will ease my trembling heart. By being vulnerable with Him I am learning to trust Him and others in my life.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Humm, interesting as I begin a relationship after not being in one for 6 years. There is a lot of fear in this area.
I'm not afraid of falling in love, I'm afraid of the unknown.
I keep putting the past on the present. I keep thinking yeah, ____ used to say that. Yeah, ____ did things like that. Yeah, ____ was nice at first.
I like the unknown things. The tenderness. The sound of a man's voice on my phone. The soft kisses. Being teased and laughing together. The sweet words he speaks to me.
But to let go of the fear? When I think about letting go and maybe letting him touch my heart, I get a tightness in my stomach. My throat tightens up. I feel hot all over. I want to run the other way and just stay with the familiar.
The familiar--home alone, no one calls! I can come and go when and where I want--no one to answer to! Just me, alone. No one can hurt me here.
Fear--an ineffective response that distorts reality and clouds the decision making process.
Fear--it is holding me back.
I can't say yes to the future if I am unwilling to let go of the past.