I Was There

I Was There

By Becky Ann Vaughn

October 14, 2013

I was there

I saw the fear

I was there – right beside you

While what happened happened

I held your heart in my hands

I was there

I saw the pain

While what should have happened didn’t

I was there

I was there in the disappointment

I was there in the rejection

I was there in the hurt

I was there

I held onto you

I was your protector, your shield

I was there walking beside you, in front of you and behind you

I was there

I was there

And now I am here—

   Binding up the brokenness

   Setting you free

   Calling you to full restoration

I was there and now I am here—

   Just take my hand

A Grackle with a Errant Feather

     This morning as I drove around campus I noticed a Grackle with an errant feather. I had several questions for that Grackle! Is that errant feather to attract a mate? Is that errant feather like a bad hair day for me or do you even know you have an errant feather?

     Then I thought about how many times do we walk around with an 'errant feather'! Be it an attitude of self-righteousness or a haughty spirit. Maybe it is an unforgiven offense of another. Do we ignore it as we look in the mirror, hoping no one else will notice? Or, do we wear it with 'pride', hoping they will notice and ask us about it so we can let them see how the 'errant feather' is affecting us?

     What is your 'errant feather' that you carry with you each day?

Change

Yesterday I found out that my very godly, wonderful boss will be leaving UNT to go work in Canada to be closer to his family. I was shocked by this announcement. There were so many emotions and thoughts flooding my mind all at the same time. I don’t know all I need to know about my job (he has been my “safety net”). I won’t be able to “pick his brain” enough before he leaves to learn the things I need to learn. Well, Levelland here I come! Is this the ‘sign’ I have been waiting for to know if I am supposed to move to Levelland? Who will answer my questions about the overwhelming spreadsheet that he created for me to do my job.

I have been in prayer asking God if I am supposed to move to Levelland to be able to help Cathy and Justin out with the kids. I have been ‘waiting’ to hear from him. Was this the answer? I don’t know, but I know that God is present and comforting me.

This morning as I am whining again to God about not knowing what to do, this is what I got.

The In Touch Magazine daily devotional was titled, Defeating Discouragement. This was just what I needed to hear and read this morning. The scripture reference was Nehemiah 2:1-9.

Nehemiah was sad that city where his ancestors are buried lies in ruins. He wanted to go and rebuild the city. He wanted to ‘go’. Again, I asked God, “Am I supposed to move to Levelland?” In my heart I want to go, but only if that is God’s plan.

So, as I was ‘discussing’ this with God this morning he told me I need to be more specific with my prayers. You need to pray for what you want!! Now that is a bit scary for me! 

So this is now my prayer:

Lord, I want to move to Levelland and I want a job where I can still pay into TRS and I want a definite answer from You that I am supposed to move! I want to move so I can be a blessing to Cathy, Justin and those sweet babies. I want a job that will give me enough flexibility to go to see Jennifer, Will and those sweet babies as often as I/they need me.

Nehemiah 2

¹In the month of Nisan in the twentieth year of King Artaxerxes, when wine was brought for him, I took the wine and gave it to the king. I had not been sad in his presence before, ² so the king asked me, “Why does your face look so sad when you are not ill? This can be nothing but sadness of heart.”

I was very much afraid, ³ but I said to the king, “May the king live forever! Why should my face not look sad when the city where my ancestors are buried lies in ruins, and its gates have been destroyed by fire?”

⁴ The king said to me, “What is it you want?”

Then I prayed to the God of heaven, ⁵ and I answered the king, “If it pleases the king and if your servant has found favor in his sight, let him send me to the city in Judah where my ancestors are buried so that I can rebuild it.”

⁶ Then the king, with the queen sitting beside him, asked me, “How long will your journey take, and when will you get back?” It pleased the king to send me; so I set a time.

⁷ I also said to him, “If it pleases the king, may I have letters to the governors of Trans-Euphrates, so that they will provide me safe-conduct until I arrive in Judah? ⁸ And may I have a letter to Asaph, keeper of the royal park, so he will give me timber to make beams for the gates of the citadel by the temple and for the city wall and for the residence I will occupy?” And because the gracious hand of my God was on me, the king granted my requests. ⁹ So I went to the governors of Trans-Euphrates and gave them the king’s letters. The king had also sent army officers and cavalry with me.

Confession and Asking for Forgiveness

I need to make a confession and ask for forgiveness.

I have a VERY difficult time asking anyone for help of any kind.

Tuesday evening, while talking to my prayer ministers this was brought up. I realized I can’t remember as a child ever asking my parents for anything, but then again, I don’t remember much about my childhood.

Yesterday afternoon I was listening to a sermon on the radio on Matthew 7:7-11. I wasn’t really paying attention to what the pastor was saying.

Then this morning, I opened up my In Touch Devotional. And guess what scripture reference was for today! You got it! Matthew 7:7-11!

Ask, Seek, Knock

⁷ “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ⁸ For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. ⁹ “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? ¹¹ If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

So I began meditating on what God might be trying to tell me. I realized I not only have hard time asking others for things or help, but I also have difficulty asking God. I thought over the last few years when I have asked others for help. There are only a few (very few) that I can think of.

1.      When I had the flu a few years ago, I asked a girlfriend to bring me some soup. I felt guilty for being sick and ‘needing’ something.

2.      Several years ago I needed help reattaching my bumper to my car and called a guy friend. I hated being a ‘girl’ and not being able to fix it myself.

3.      When Terry left there was so much to do around the house. It was all I could do to ask neighbors, family and friends to help me. I felt like such a failure and so weak.

None of these friends wanted me to feel guilty or like failure. They each were glad and very happy to help me.

And it isn’t just asking for help, it is also accepting spontaneous gifts or blessings.

1.      Several years ago a friend blessed me with a KitchenAid mixer since I was teaching her daughter to cook. I hated taking it from her—it made me feel like she thought I expected something in return for helping her daughter.

2.      A while back when on a Ladies Day in McKinney a friend bought lunch and a bottle of wine for the lunch. I felt like I had complained so much recently about my finances that she must feel sorry for me.

3.      My sweet daughter Cathy offered to pay for a fee. It made me feel like I was asking for a hand out, like she thought I couldn’t take care me my finances.

4.      When I got a speeding ticket I had an offer to pay for half, since the person deemed it was partly their fault. I couldn’t accept it, again made me feel like they thought I couldn’t pay my own way.

None of these friends or family members were thinking what I was thinking. They each wanted to bless me, give me a gift and not because I asked for help. Just because they LOVE me, they each offered a gift and just a gift. Not to be returned or so they might gain something in return.

They all offered a gift, just as Christ has offered a gift of salvation, grace, redemption and love to me. All He wants in return is a relationship with me. That is all these friends and family members are wanting from me, just a relationship.

So why do I hold everyone at a distance? Why am I so afraid to accept unconditional love and grace and blessings from others and from God?

Because they will see that sometimes I am weak, and in need, and scared of being unable to make the funds stretch. I want them to see a STRONG independent woman that needs no one but me. But I do need these friends and family members in my life, to show me grace and love. I need to know and truly understand they LOVE me, just for being me! And they would never put on me what I am putting on myself in regards to guilt for accepting blessings from them.

All of this to say, if I have turned down a blessing or been very hesitant about receiving a gift you have offered, I am asking for your forgiveness. I am truly sorry that I may not have allowed you the pleasure to give a blessing. In the future I am going to work hard at accepting gifts or blessings when offered.

Thank you to each of you mentioned above, you know who you are, for being in my life. Your friendship, love and grace are so very dear to me.