Monday, June 28, 2010

Cynical Skepticism

Cynical - doubting or contemptuous of human nature or the motives, goodness, or sincerity of others
Skeptical - tending not to believe or accept things but to question them

How do I remove this attitude from my heart? How do I make a decision to just be a bit trusting? I know I can trust God but it’s these humans I am having trouble with.

My heart tells me all people are good, honest, giving people, but my head keeps reminding me of those in the past that haven’t been so good, honest and giving.

I guess it all comes down to time. Give people time to prove themselves one way or the other. Then the decision can be made to keep them in my circle of friends or not.

I know it is best for me to keep this attitude for a while with any new person in my life. Taking the hide and watch attitude is probably best. With this attitude I can protect my tender heart. I think where the heart is concerned this is the best way to protect it from further damage. But at what point do I stop questioning everything that is said? When do I begin to accept things that are said? When do I see the motives are good and sincere?

Time will tell, as they say!

Monday, June 21, 2010



God knows how this word has tripped me up all my life. I trust too much, too soon, and sometimes for too long.
It is an issue He has been working at to get me to trust Him, totally unconditionally, with everything in my life. I give Him some things only to take them back again because I have held them so close for so long. It is too hard not to have them to hold onto.
In my silly little mind—I know I can do all things in my own strength!! I have for so long, so I thought! Only to realize that all I have done and been through God was walking with me the entire time. Even when I have so boldly put my clenched fist up to Him and so very boldly told Him, ‘I don’t need you.’ He still loved me, still cared for me, still wanted me to be part of His flock.
I think about the past. All the people in my life that were suppose to love and protect me and didn’t. Why? Because they didn’t know how? Because they didn’t really love me? Because they were self-serving? Why?
I don’t have the answers to those questions. And if I take time to be quiet—God tells me it doesn’t matter—He knows how to love me and that is all that truly matters. He is willing to love me no matter what I have done in the past, what I am doing right now or what I will do in the future. He loves me, unconditionally.
So, when someone trusts me, unconditionally, sharing their pain from the past, what do I do with it? I cherish it. It is a glimpse into their heart. In return it opens my heart to trust them with some of my pain from the past. I have to trust that they in turn will cherish what I have shared and it will open their heart to trust me more.
To earn someone’s trust, I think I have to be vulnerable. In return, when I am vulnerable, I am showing trust to the person I am being vulnerable with.
Trust is being vulnerable, knowing I can’t do it all alone, saying ‘I need you’, to someone other than myself.
This is what God wants, me to be vulnerable to Him in all areas of my life. He wants me to give Him my hurts, fears, regrets, mistakes, misgivings and pains and trust that He will hold them close to His heart. He wants to heal all these areas in my life so I can move on without them holding me back.
So the area in my life that has tripped me up the most is the area that God has proved Himself over and over again.
Today He is telling me to be vulnerable, to trust, to let go! He will be here beside me each step of the way, so when I get scared all I have to do is tell Him. When I let go and trust He will ease my trembling heart. By being vulnerable with Him I am learning to trust Him and others in my life.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Listening to God

Twice in the last two days I have been directed to 2Timothy 1:7. For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Humm, interesting as I begin a relationship after not being in one for 6 years. There is a lot of fear in this area.

I'm not afraid of falling in love, I'm afraid of the unknown.

I keep putting the past on the present. I keep thinking yeah, ____ used to say that. Yeah, ____ did things like that. Yeah, ____ was nice at first.

I like the unknown things. The tenderness. The sound of a man's voice on my phone. The soft kisses. Being teased and laughing together. The sweet words he speaks to me.

But to let go of the fear? When I think about letting go and maybe letting him touch my heart, I get a tightness in my stomach. My throat tightens up. I feel hot all over. I want to run the other way and just stay with the familiar.

The familiar--home alone, no one calls! I can come and go when and where I want--no one to answer to! Just me, alone. No one can hurt me here.

Fear--an ineffective response that distorts reality and clouds the decision making process.

Fear--it is holding me back.

I can't say yes to the future if I am unwilling to let go of the past.