I need to make a confession and ask for forgiveness.
I have a VERY difficult time asking anyone for help
of any kind.
Tuesday evening, while talking to my prayer
ministers this was brought up. I realized I can’t remember as a child ever asking
my parents for anything, but then again, I don’t remember much about my
childhood.
Yesterday afternoon I was listening to a sermon on
the radio on Matthew 7:7-11. I wasn’t really paying attention to what the
pastor was saying.
Then this morning, I opened up my In Touch
Devotional. And guess what scripture reference was for today! You got it!
Matthew 7:7-11!
Ask,
Seek, Knock
7 “Ask and
it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be
opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who
seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. 9 “Which
of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or
if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then,
though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much
more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
So I began meditating on what God might be trying to
tell me. I realized I not only have hard time asking others for things or help,
but I also have difficulty asking God. I thought over the last few years when I
have asked others for help. There are only a few (very few) that I can think
of.
1. When I had the flu a few years ago,
I asked a girlfriend to bring me some soup. I felt guilty for being sick and
‘needing’ something.
2. Several years ago I needed help
reattaching my bumper to my car and called a guy friend. I hated being a ‘girl’
and not being able to fix it myself.
3. When Terry left there was so much
to do around the house. It was all I could do to ask neighbors, family and
friends to help me. I felt like such a failure and so weak.
None of these friends wanted me to feel guilty or
like failure. They each were glad and very happy to help me.
And it isn’t just asking for help, it is also
accepting spontaneous gifts or blessings.
1. Several years ago a friend blessed
me with a KitchenAid mixer since I was teaching her daughter to cook. I hated
taking it from her—it made me feel like she thought I expected something in
return for helping her daughter.
2. A while back when on a Ladies Day
in McKinney a friend bought lunch and a bottle of wine for the lunch. I felt
like I had complained so much recently about my finances that she must feel sorry
for me.
3. My sweet daughter Cathy offered to
pay for a fee. It made me feel like I was asking for a hand out, like she
thought I couldn’t take care me my finances.
4. When I got a speeding ticket I had
an offer to pay for half, since the person deemed it was partly their fault. I
couldn’t accept it, again made me feel like they thought I couldn’t pay my own
way.
None of these friends or family members were
thinking what I was thinking. They each wanted to bless me, give me a gift and not
because I asked for help. Just because they LOVE me, they each offered a gift
and just a gift. Not to be returned or so they might gain something in return.
They all offered a gift, just as Christ has offered a
gift of salvation, grace, redemption and love to me. All He wants in return is
a relationship with me. That is all these friends and family members are
wanting from me, just a relationship.
So why do I hold everyone at a distance? Why am I so
afraid to accept unconditional love and grace and blessings from others and
from God?
Because they will see that sometimes I am weak, and in
need, and scared of being unable to make the funds stretch. I want them to see
a STRONG independent woman that needs no one but me. But I do need these
friends and family members in my life, to show me grace and love. I need to
know and truly understand they LOVE me, just for being me! And they would never
put on me what I am putting on myself in regards to guilt for accepting
blessings from them.
All of this to say, if I have turned down a blessing
or been very hesitant about receiving a gift you have offered, I am asking for
your forgiveness. I am truly sorry that I may not have allowed you the pleasure
to give a blessing. In the future I am going to work hard at accepting gifts or
blessings when offered.
Thank you to each of you mentioned above, you know
who you are, for being in my life. Your friendship, love and grace are so very
dear to me.