Change

Yesterday I found out that my very godly, wonderful boss will be leaving UNT to go work in Canada to be closer to his family. I was shocked by this announcement. There were so many emotions and thoughts flooding my mind all at the same time. I don’t know all I need to know about my job (he has been my “safety net”). I won’t be able to “pick his brain” enough before he leaves to learn the things I need to learn. Well, Levelland here I come! Is this the ‘sign’ I have been waiting for to know if I am supposed to move to Levelland? Who will answer my questions about the overwhelming spreadsheet that he created for me to do my job.

I have been in prayer asking God if I am supposed to move to Levelland to be able to help Cathy and Justin out with the kids. I have been ‘waiting’ to hear from him. Was this the answer? I don’t know, but I know that God is present and comforting me.

This morning as I am whining again to God about not knowing what to do, this is what I got.

The In Touch Magazine daily devotional was titled, Defeating Discouragement. This was just what I needed to hear and read this morning. The scripture reference was Nehemiah 2:1-9.

Nehemiah was sad that city where his ancestors are buried lies in ruins. He wanted to go and rebuild the city. He wanted to ‘go’. Again, I asked God, “Am I supposed to move to Levelland?” In my heart I want to go, but only if that is God’s plan.

So, as I was ‘discussing’ this with God this morning he told me I need to be more specific with my prayers. You need to pray for what you want!! Now that is a bit scary for me! 

So this is now my prayer:

Lord, I want to move to Levelland and I want a job where I can still pay into TRS and I want a definite answer from You that I am supposed to move! I want to move so I can be a blessing to Cathy, Justin and those sweet babies. I want a job that will give me enough flexibility to go to see Jennifer, Will and those sweet babies as often as I/they need me.

Nehemiah 2

¹In the month of Nisan in the twentieth year of King Artaxerxes, when wine was brought for him, I took the wine and gave it to the king. I had not been sad in his presence before, ² so the king asked me, “Why does your face look so sad when you are not ill? This can be nothing but sadness of heart.”

I was very much afraid, ³ but I said to the king, “May the king live forever! Why should my face not look sad when the city where my ancestors are buried lies in ruins, and its gates have been destroyed by fire?”

⁴ The king said to me, “What is it you want?”

Then I prayed to the God of heaven, ⁵ and I answered the king, “If it pleases the king and if your servant has found favor in his sight, let him send me to the city in Judah where my ancestors are buried so that I can rebuild it.”

⁶ Then the king, with the queen sitting beside him, asked me, “How long will your journey take, and when will you get back?” It pleased the king to send me; so I set a time.

⁷ I also said to him, “If it pleases the king, may I have letters to the governors of Trans-Euphrates, so that they will provide me safe-conduct until I arrive in Judah? ⁸ And may I have a letter to Asaph, keeper of the royal park, so he will give me timber to make beams for the gates of the citadel by the temple and for the city wall and for the residence I will occupy?” And because the gracious hand of my God was on me, the king granted my requests. ⁹ So I went to the governors of Trans-Euphrates and gave them the king’s letters. The king had also sent army officers and cavalry with me.

Confession and Asking for Forgiveness

I need to make a confession and ask for forgiveness.

I have a VERY difficult time asking anyone for help of any kind.

Tuesday evening, while talking to my prayer ministers this was brought up. I realized I can’t remember as a child ever asking my parents for anything, but then again, I don’t remember much about my childhood.

Yesterday afternoon I was listening to a sermon on the radio on Matthew 7:7-11. I wasn’t really paying attention to what the pastor was saying.

Then this morning, I opened up my In Touch Devotional. And guess what scripture reference was for today! You got it! Matthew 7:7-11!

Ask, Seek, Knock

⁷ “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ⁸ For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. ⁹ “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? ¹¹ If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

So I began meditating on what God might be trying to tell me. I realized I not only have hard time asking others for things or help, but I also have difficulty asking God. I thought over the last few years when I have asked others for help. There are only a few (very few) that I can think of.

1.      When I had the flu a few years ago, I asked a girlfriend to bring me some soup. I felt guilty for being sick and ‘needing’ something.

2.      Several years ago I needed help reattaching my bumper to my car and called a guy friend. I hated being a ‘girl’ and not being able to fix it myself.

3.      When Terry left there was so much to do around the house. It was all I could do to ask neighbors, family and friends to help me. I felt like such a failure and so weak.

None of these friends wanted me to feel guilty or like failure. They each were glad and very happy to help me.

And it isn’t just asking for help, it is also accepting spontaneous gifts or blessings.

1.      Several years ago a friend blessed me with a KitchenAid mixer since I was teaching her daughter to cook. I hated taking it from her—it made me feel like she thought I expected something in return for helping her daughter.

2.      A while back when on a Ladies Day in McKinney a friend bought lunch and a bottle of wine for the lunch. I felt like I had complained so much recently about my finances that she must feel sorry for me.

3.      My sweet daughter Cathy offered to pay for a fee. It made me feel like I was asking for a hand out, like she thought I couldn’t take care me my finances.

4.      When I got a speeding ticket I had an offer to pay for half, since the person deemed it was partly their fault. I couldn’t accept it, again made me feel like they thought I couldn’t pay my own way.

None of these friends or family members were thinking what I was thinking. They each wanted to bless me, give me a gift and not because I asked for help. Just because they LOVE me, they each offered a gift and just a gift. Not to be returned or so they might gain something in return.

They all offered a gift, just as Christ has offered a gift of salvation, grace, redemption and love to me. All He wants in return is a relationship with me. That is all these friends and family members are wanting from me, just a relationship.

So why do I hold everyone at a distance? Why am I so afraid to accept unconditional love and grace and blessings from others and from God?

Because they will see that sometimes I am weak, and in need, and scared of being unable to make the funds stretch. I want them to see a STRONG independent woman that needs no one but me. But I do need these friends and family members in my life, to show me grace and love. I need to know and truly understand they LOVE me, just for being me! And they would never put on me what I am putting on myself in regards to guilt for accepting blessings from them.

All of this to say, if I have turned down a blessing or been very hesitant about receiving a gift you have offered, I am asking for your forgiveness. I am truly sorry that I may not have allowed you the pleasure to give a blessing. In the future I am going to work hard at accepting gifts or blessings when offered.

Thank you to each of you mentioned above, you know who you are, for being in my life. Your friendship, love and grace are so very dear to me.

Cover

Cover

by Becky Higgs
11/16/2009

Cover me Lord
With your healing wings of love

Cover me Lord
With your loving wings of healing

Cover me Lord
Protect me from me

Cover me Lord
With your wings of forgiveness

Cover me Lord
With your wings of restoration

Cover me Lord
With your wings of wisdom

Cover me Lord
With your wings of discernment

Your wings are soft upon my cheeks
As You dry my tears of self-doubt

Lord help me to be quiet in my spirit
To lay at Your feet and to accept the cover You offer

Thank You for the tender touch of the love
In the cover of Your wings
That You provide for me because You love me

Paying Off

Once again I am staring in the face of more debt caused by past responsibilities of my spouse. I (we) have paid off the debt he (we) owed to his daughter because of the lawnmower he 'had' to have. I (we) have paid off the debt to the IRS he (we) owed because he ignored a 1099 three years ago. Now, there is more debt he (we) owe due to not paying off a credit card from years ago.

  As I wrote that I had to put the 'wes' in there----to remind myself WE are in this thing called marriage together.

I knew he didn't manage his money well before I married him, but I had NO idea that it was as bad as it is!!

I am trying to look at this from the stand point of, 'What does God want ME to learn through this'. 

Yes, God has provided me with the desire to be debit free. He has also provided the funds when these debts needed to paid off.

Trust? YES, a resounding YES. I do trust that I (we) will get through this one too.

Words Spoken About Me

Recently two of my dearest friends spoke very sweet words to me--about me. I have a hard time owning these words. But these two precious women KNOW me, so could they be right? But I keep thinking that if they KNEW me they would know these things could NOT be true. So, why the self doubt? Why not just accept the kind words?

Monica wrote, You have shown me how to live life full of gratitude and love.

June wrote, Most of your life is characterized by thankfulness and all of your live is characterized by love.

I will have to ponder these statements for a while.

Under the Tree

Under the Tree
     Where a couple of women found each other,

Under the Tree
     Where a couple of women raised up their babies,

Under the Tree
     Where a couple of women lost themselves,

Under the Tree
     Where a couple of women learned who was the Master,

Under the Tree
     Where a couple of women lost the lives they had for so long,

Under the Tree
     Where a couple of women found themselves again,

Under the Tree
     Where a couple of women learned to dream again,

Under the Tree
     Where a couple of women . . .

Hurt

July 9, 2012

How can I even begin to describe the pain of this hurt?

I am overwhelmed with sadness, has it been done intentionally? No. Are they really that selfish? No. Do they not understand all I have done for them? No. Do they realize the deep heart piercing pain I am feeling? No.

Ever since I had children I have put them first. Yes, first, usually even before my own needs and wants. I thought it was what I was suppose to do. While growing up it was a decision I made and a promise I made to myself. At the time I didn't realize that the bond between the two of them would become so strong that I would become an afterthought.

I am so hurt that I can't even write about it.

They know what family means to me they know how important those babies are to me they know I would and have done anything for them they know they have always been first they know I will drop everything and jump and run when they call

July 11, 2012

After thinking about this for 4 days and many tears I have some more thoughts to share.

Because of the lack of a relationship with my mother, as a child, I decided to have what I didn't have with my mother with my girls . And because of this promise to myself, I guess out of guilt I have placed on myself, I have always gone overboard to be available to them.

I guess I have allowed myself to be "manipulated" (probably too strong of a word) by them. They know the weakness I have for them and the grandbabies and they play this to their advantage.

As I said, manipulation is probably too strong of a word--but in essence this is what it is. And I allow it, out of my guilt to be sure I am ALWAYS available when they need/want me!!

So, how do I get past the hurt and move forward and not have the guilt?

I don't know.