Sadness

February 17, 2014

Sadness

Why today?

Is this day really any different than yesterday?

The sadness is so heavy,

Like a weight on my heart and in my mind.

Where did you come from,

Can you go back?

Oh, this heaviness is causing doubts and fears.

Questioning my path,

Asking myself why.

 

 

The River From the Temple

August 20, 2013

 

This morning I had to go to a retirement breakfast for a vice president here at UNT. I went to a table where I know a couple that works at facilities. The table was decorated with the little glass beads that are sometimes found in flower arrangements.  The lady picked one up, handed it to me and said, “May you have a splash of joy today.” (It is now on my desk!)

I almost started crying. I said to God, “Yes, I am paying attention.”

I told Jackie about the message that Christine gave last night. I told her about the words from Ezekiel 47:1-9 that Cherry told me about.  She picked up her phone, looked up the scripture and we read it.

Ezekiel 47

The River from the Temple

47 The man brought me back to the entrance to the temple, and I saw water coming out from under the threshold of the temple toward the east (for the temple faced east). The water was coming down from under the south side of the temple, south of the altar. ² He then brought me out through the north gate and led me around the outside to the outer gate facing east, and the water was trickling from the south side. ³ As the man went eastward with a measuring line in his hand, he measured off a thousand cubits^[a] and then led me through water that was ankle-deep. ⁴ He measured off another thousand cubits and led me through water that was knee-deep. He measured off another thousand and led me through water that was up to the waist. ⁵ He measured off another thousand, but now it was a river that I could not cross, because the water had risen and was deep enough to swim in—a river that no one could cross. ⁶ He asked me, “Son of man, do you see this?” Then he led me back to the bank of the river. ⁷ When I arrived there, I saw a great number of trees on each side of the river. ⁸ He said to me, “This water flows toward the eastern region and goes down into the Arabah,^[b] where it enters the Dead Sea. When it empties into the sea, the salty water there becomes fresh. ⁹ Swarms of living creatures will live wherever the river flows. There will be large numbers of fish, because this water flows there and makes the salt water fresh; so where the river flows everything will live.

 

When I got back to my office I recalled that Julia prayed about her vision about a gate. Then I just kept thinking about Christine talking about jumping into the water.

 

Psalm 46
³ though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

⁴ There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells.
⁵ God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.

So, this is what I am hearing today:

It doesn’t matter if you jump in with both feet, or if you walk slowly because of the hurts of the past or the cracks in your ‘pot’ or just not sure what to do or just knowing you have to do something different – JUST GET IN THE WATER. It is refreshing, cleansing, soothing, filling, calming.

 

Lord,

This is my prayer for each woman as she reads Your Word that it will refresh her soul, cleanse her past, soothe her heart, fill her mind and calm her spirit. May the salt of her tears bring a fresh insight to Your Word and Your desire for her life. And with this new insight it will bring rivers of joy to her and to all cross her path.

 

I Was There

I Was There

By Becky Ann Vaughn

October 14, 2013

I was there

I saw the fear

I was there – right beside you

While what happened happened

I held your heart in my hands

I was there

I saw the pain

While what should have happened didn’t

I was there

I was there in the disappointment

I was there in the rejection

I was there in the hurt

I was there

I held onto you

I was your protector, your shield

I was there walking beside you, in front of you and behind you

I was there

I was there

And now I am here—

   Binding up the brokenness

   Setting you free

   Calling you to full restoration

I was there and now I am here—

   Just take my hand

A Grackle with a Errant Feather

     This morning as I drove around campus I noticed a Grackle with an errant feather. I had several questions for that Grackle! Is that errant feather to attract a mate? Is that errant feather like a bad hair day for me or do you even know you have an errant feather?

     Then I thought about how many times do we walk around with an 'errant feather'! Be it an attitude of self-righteousness or a haughty spirit. Maybe it is an unforgiven offense of another. Do we ignore it as we look in the mirror, hoping no one else will notice? Or, do we wear it with 'pride', hoping they will notice and ask us about it so we can let them see how the 'errant feather' is affecting us?

     What is your 'errant feather' that you carry with you each day?

Change

Yesterday I found out that my very godly, wonderful boss will be leaving UNT to go work in Canada to be closer to his family. I was shocked by this announcement. There were so many emotions and thoughts flooding my mind all at the same time. I don’t know all I need to know about my job (he has been my “safety net”). I won’t be able to “pick his brain” enough before he leaves to learn the things I need to learn. Well, Levelland here I come! Is this the ‘sign’ I have been waiting for to know if I am supposed to move to Levelland? Who will answer my questions about the overwhelming spreadsheet that he created for me to do my job.

I have been in prayer asking God if I am supposed to move to Levelland to be able to help Cathy and Justin out with the kids. I have been ‘waiting’ to hear from him. Was this the answer? I don’t know, but I know that God is present and comforting me.

This morning as I am whining again to God about not knowing what to do, this is what I got.

The In Touch Magazine daily devotional was titled, Defeating Discouragement. This was just what I needed to hear and read this morning. The scripture reference was Nehemiah 2:1-9.

Nehemiah was sad that city where his ancestors are buried lies in ruins. He wanted to go and rebuild the city. He wanted to ‘go’. Again, I asked God, “Am I supposed to move to Levelland?” In my heart I want to go, but only if that is God’s plan.

So, as I was ‘discussing’ this with God this morning he told me I need to be more specific with my prayers. You need to pray for what you want!! Now that is a bit scary for me! 

So this is now my prayer:

Lord, I want to move to Levelland and I want a job where I can still pay into TRS and I want a definite answer from You that I am supposed to move! I want to move so I can be a blessing to Cathy, Justin and those sweet babies. I want a job that will give me enough flexibility to go to see Jennifer, Will and those sweet babies as often as I/they need me.

Nehemiah 2

¹In the month of Nisan in the twentieth year of King Artaxerxes, when wine was brought for him, I took the wine and gave it to the king. I had not been sad in his presence before, ² so the king asked me, “Why does your face look so sad when you are not ill? This can be nothing but sadness of heart.”

I was very much afraid, ³ but I said to the king, “May the king live forever! Why should my face not look sad when the city where my ancestors are buried lies in ruins, and its gates have been destroyed by fire?”

⁴ The king said to me, “What is it you want?”

Then I prayed to the God of heaven, ⁵ and I answered the king, “If it pleases the king and if your servant has found favor in his sight, let him send me to the city in Judah where my ancestors are buried so that I can rebuild it.”

⁶ Then the king, with the queen sitting beside him, asked me, “How long will your journey take, and when will you get back?” It pleased the king to send me; so I set a time.

⁷ I also said to him, “If it pleases the king, may I have letters to the governors of Trans-Euphrates, so that they will provide me safe-conduct until I arrive in Judah? ⁸ And may I have a letter to Asaph, keeper of the royal park, so he will give me timber to make beams for the gates of the citadel by the temple and for the city wall and for the residence I will occupy?” And because the gracious hand of my God was on me, the king granted my requests. ⁹ So I went to the governors of Trans-Euphrates and gave them the king’s letters. The king had also sent army officers and cavalry with me.

Confession and Asking for Forgiveness

I need to make a confession and ask for forgiveness.

I have a VERY difficult time asking anyone for help of any kind.

Tuesday evening, while talking to my prayer ministers this was brought up. I realized I can’t remember as a child ever asking my parents for anything, but then again, I don’t remember much about my childhood.

Yesterday afternoon I was listening to a sermon on the radio on Matthew 7:7-11. I wasn’t really paying attention to what the pastor was saying.

Then this morning, I opened up my In Touch Devotional. And guess what scripture reference was for today! You got it! Matthew 7:7-11!

Ask, Seek, Knock

⁷ “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ⁸ For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. ⁹ “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? ¹¹ If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

So I began meditating on what God might be trying to tell me. I realized I not only have hard time asking others for things or help, but I also have difficulty asking God. I thought over the last few years when I have asked others for help. There are only a few (very few) that I can think of.

1.      When I had the flu a few years ago, I asked a girlfriend to bring me some soup. I felt guilty for being sick and ‘needing’ something.

2.      Several years ago I needed help reattaching my bumper to my car and called a guy friend. I hated being a ‘girl’ and not being able to fix it myself.

3.      When Terry left there was so much to do around the house. It was all I could do to ask neighbors, family and friends to help me. I felt like such a failure and so weak.

None of these friends wanted me to feel guilty or like failure. They each were glad and very happy to help me.

And it isn’t just asking for help, it is also accepting spontaneous gifts or blessings.

1.      Several years ago a friend blessed me with a KitchenAid mixer since I was teaching her daughter to cook. I hated taking it from her—it made me feel like she thought I expected something in return for helping her daughter.

2.      A while back when on a Ladies Day in McKinney a friend bought lunch and a bottle of wine for the lunch. I felt like I had complained so much recently about my finances that she must feel sorry for me.

3.      My sweet daughter Cathy offered to pay for a fee. It made me feel like I was asking for a hand out, like she thought I couldn’t take care me my finances.

4.      When I got a speeding ticket I had an offer to pay for half, since the person deemed it was partly their fault. I couldn’t accept it, again made me feel like they thought I couldn’t pay my own way.

None of these friends or family members were thinking what I was thinking. They each wanted to bless me, give me a gift and not because I asked for help. Just because they LOVE me, they each offered a gift and just a gift. Not to be returned or so they might gain something in return.

They all offered a gift, just as Christ has offered a gift of salvation, grace, redemption and love to me. All He wants in return is a relationship with me. That is all these friends and family members are wanting from me, just a relationship.

So why do I hold everyone at a distance? Why am I so afraid to accept unconditional love and grace and blessings from others and from God?

Because they will see that sometimes I am weak, and in need, and scared of being unable to make the funds stretch. I want them to see a STRONG independent woman that needs no one but me. But I do need these friends and family members in my life, to show me grace and love. I need to know and truly understand they LOVE me, just for being me! And they would never put on me what I am putting on myself in regards to guilt for accepting blessings from them.

All of this to say, if I have turned down a blessing or been very hesitant about receiving a gift you have offered, I am asking for your forgiveness. I am truly sorry that I may not have allowed you the pleasure to give a blessing. In the future I am going to work hard at accepting gifts or blessings when offered.

Thank you to each of you mentioned above, you know who you are, for being in my life. Your friendship, love and grace are so very dear to me.