Under the Tree

Under the Tree
     Where a couple of women found each other,

Under the Tree
     Where a couple of women raised up their babies,

Under the Tree
     Where a couple of women lost themselves,

Under the Tree
     Where a couple of women learned who was the Master,

Under the Tree
     Where a couple of women lost the lives they had for so long,

Under the Tree
     Where a couple of women found themselves again,

Under the Tree
     Where a couple of women learned to dream again,

Under the Tree
     Where a couple of women . . .

Hurt

July 9, 2012

How can I even begin to describe the pain of this hurt?

I am overwhelmed with sadness, has it been done intentionally? No. Are they really that selfish? No. Do they not understand all I have done for them? No. Do they realize the deep heart piercing pain I am feeling? No.

Ever since I had children I have put them first. Yes, first, usually even before my own needs and wants. I thought it was what I was suppose to do. While growing up it was a decision I made and a promise I made to myself. At the time I didn't realize that the bond between the two of them would become so strong that I would become an afterthought.

I am so hurt that I can't even write about it.

They know what family means to me they know how important those babies are to me they know I would and have done anything for them they know they have always been first they know I will drop everything and jump and run when they call

July 11, 2012

After thinking about this for 4 days and many tears I have some more thoughts to share.

Because of the lack of a relationship with my mother, as a child, I decided to have what I didn't have with my mother with my girls . And because of this promise to myself, I guess out of guilt I have placed on myself, I have always gone overboard to be available to them.

I guess I have allowed myself to be "manipulated" (probably too strong of a word) by them. They know the weakness I have for them and the grandbabies and they play this to their advantage.

As I said, manipulation is probably too strong of a word--but in essence this is what it is. And I allow it, out of my guilt to be sure I am ALWAYS available when they need/want me!!

So, how do I get past the hurt and move forward and not have the guilt?

I don't know.

From briers and thorns to living with the pure of heart

Saturday, July 30, 2011 as I read Isaiah 55:11-13 this is what it said to me.

How many briers there were in my life
how many thorns grew from my tongue
I did not know the despair I was in
I had been brought up with briers, thorns and thistles
I learned to walk with them
I learned how to use them to get what I wanted
Then that day--He came upon me
He lifted me high above what I had been living in
He showed me how I could live among the pure of heart
He showed me the beauty in my heart and in my soul
He told me how wonderful I am in His eyes
He saw me as beautiful
He delighted in me
I ask--Why would you do this for me?
Why? Because I made you in My image and because I love you
He always loved me
He was always protecting me
And when I was broken beyond human repair He rescued me
All of this was to show me His everlasting love and compassion for His broken one

Sadness and Happiness at the Same Time?

I began this blog in April 2011. And I am finishing it today, June 20, 2011.

Oh my, so much to be happy about and I am about overcome with sadness at what I am losing and giving up. But so excited at what I am gaining. How can these two emotions be so strong at the same time. How can my heart feel full of anticipation and excitement and my eyes so full of tears?

Sadness over losing my freedom. Freedom to go and come as I like. Freedom to eat when and what I want. Freedom over the remote!! Freedom to hog the entire bed. Freedom to please only me. Freedom to go out with the girls.

As the day of marriage draws nearer and nearer the anticipation and excitement are drying my tears. They are being replaced with overwhelming excitement. Below are the things I can think of off the top of my head!!

Anticipation and excitement about spending evenings cuddling with the one I love. Anticipation and excitement about Saturday mornings having coffee on the patio.
Anticipation and excitement about someone to help me do the yard!!!
Anticipation and excitement about cooking dinner with a friend.
Anticipation and excitement about a fishing buddy!
Anticipation and excitement about someone to study the Bible with!
Anticipation and excitement about someone to just hang out with.
Anticipation and excitement about having someone to share goals and dreams with.
Anticipation and excitement about dreaming about the "perfect" house.
Anticipation and excitement about dream vacations.

I am so happy I can't stand it!!! I love Terry Don and can't wait to be Mrs. Carico! He makes me laugh, and sometimes cry when I am laughing so hard!! He makes me feel special. He also make me feel sexy! I can't help but to smile when I think about him. See, all the tears about what I am "giving up" are gone. Look at what I am gaining.

I love you Terry Don.

Truth

The definition in the dictionary is: Actual facts, not what people believe. The actual facts or information about something, rather than what people think, expect, or make up.
So my question is:
Is my speaking the truth the same as you speaking the truth?
So how can truth be so distorted if it is truth? If it is actual facts or information how can it be something other than truth?
Do you make it untruth when you decide to embellish the story? Do you make it untruth when you say what you think the other person wants to hear?
How do you decipher between a truth and an untruth? How can you trust someone who tells untruths?
My conclusion:
I will always speak the truth to the best of my knowledge. Under no circumstances will I embellish a story to make it sound better. Under no circumstances will I speak an untruth and say what I think another person wants to hear.

Overwhelming Love

August 2009

As you read this account of the happenings in my life over 2 weeks I hope you see the Hand of God moving in and through each day and each circumstance. I have been overwhelmed by His goodness, mercy and grace He has shown me during this very difficult time.

Before this I had been feeling very far away from God. I know it was my own doing. But He had been calling me back. I am so grateful for His love and mercy and grace even when I pull away and created a shell around me.

Quiet time on Wednesday, August 26, 2009; 1Kings 18:1-15; the story of Elijah and Obadiah.

Quiet time on Thursday, August 27, 2009; 1 Kings 18:22-36; Elijah on Mount Carmel. Charles Stanley wrote, He not only works through people of faith He transforms them!! GOD IS GOOD.

It began on Thursday, August 27, with my evaluation at work. I knew it was coming and felt that I would be attacked verbally. I had asked a guy in HR if I felt uncomfortable in the evaluation could I ask for a third party. He said yes. Things went badly very fast. I was accused of talking about my boss in a negative way to fellow coworkers and community leaders. Because of her anger and hostility I told her how uncomfortable I was and wanted a third party in the office. She stepped out and the HR guy I had spoken to earlier was outside my door!!! GOD IS GOOD! I was told I wasn’t a team player and I needed to be put on a growth plan to determine if I could build a stronger working relationship with my department. I felt as though my character was being attacked.

Quiet time on Friday, August 28, 2009; 1 Kings 18:34-40. Charles Stanley wrote, we’re to be like a bunch of grapes whose juices blend in times of pressure. GOD IS GOOD.

On Friday, August 28, I resigned because of the attacks and I felt that firing was imminent. I had no idea what I would do next. I had no prospects of a job. Not even a clue as to where to look. Just that I could no longer work under the duress any longer. She was so hostile and barely speaking to me. I decided that I needed to fill out a grievance form (I had to fill it out in the bathroom because of the hostility). When I to tell the HR guy I was going to resign he told me he had never seen anyone so out of control as my boss. I told him we deal with that all the time. Once I told my boss I had turned in my resignation I was overcome with an overwhelming peace about the situation. GOD IS GOOD.

Friends and coworkers where shocked. They couldn’t believe that in this economy I would quit my job without a job to go to! I told them that God has gotten me out of worse scrapes than this! And I had such peace about giving my notice that I knew everything would be fine. GOD IS GOOD.

During all this craziness Christine Mann, my pastor’s wife, emailed me and said someone had the Esther Bible Study DVDs so we didn’t have to spend money on purchasing them!! I had offered to lead this study at church long before any of this happened. GOD IS GOOD!

My daughter, Cathy, wanted to set a date to reevaluate the situation encase I didn’t get a job right away (she and her husband own my home and rent it to me). I told her that the first part of October and the end of November kept coming to me. That we could reassess the first part of October. And I felt that I had to stay in the Denton area through the end of November. Two reasons I wanted to stay in Denton, through November, was the Esther Bible Study I would be leading and the Encounter Weekend I had signed up for at church.

The Friday night I resigned I went to a live simulcast of Beth Moore. I had signed up for the simulcast about a week before any of this happened. While waiting for the simulcast to start I talked to my neighbor across the street and she said she had a Beth Moore workbook for Esther I could have—she hadn’t done the study!!! GOD IS GOOD!! Beth Moore taught on Psalms 37:1-8!! Every scripture reference, every song and every prayer confirmed that I did what I was suppose to do!! I was overwhelmed by the timing of all of this. GOD IS GOOD.

Sunday, August 30, at church I talked to Donna Smith, a friend. I told her about the ordeal at work and my quitting. I asked her to keep me in her prayers. She said she would pray for me then. In her prayer she referenced the end of November!! I about jumped out of my skin. GOD IS GOOD.

After church I was looking for a friend’s phone number when I saw another friend’s phone number and called her instead. I told her about quitting my job. She said her daughter had an opening and that they had 114 applicants and 10 interviews and no one was right! When her daughter stopped by later she told her about me. Her daughter wanted my resume on Monday!! GOD IS GOOD.

Sunday night I went to the catalyst meeting at church. The scripture references: Romans 12:1-2, v9-21. Find God’s good and pleasing good will to transform us. Live the Christian life – God has called us to. We will be persecuted. Overcome evil with good. GOD IS GOOD.

Quiet time, Monday, August 31, 2009; 1 Kings 18:41-46. Need committed prayer life.

Quiet time, Tuesday, September 1, 2009; Eph. 4:20-24. Choose carefully where to focus my mental energy.

The lady from UNT called. Told me about the job and said she wanted to meet with me. GOD IS GOOD.

That evening I typed up the grievance against my boss. The entire time I was typing I kept hearing, don’t do this, you don’t need to do this.

Quiet time, Wednesday, September 2, 2009; Joshua 1:5-9. Charles Stanley wrote, when we are obedient to Him, even if we fail in the world’s eyes, we still have joy, peace and contentment. GOD IS GOOD.

I turned in my grievance. When I got back to my desk, God clearly said you shouldn’t have done that. I called a coworker and met with her. I went back to HR and got the grievance back. I know—I am a slow learner!

I met with the lady from UNT at lunch. I gave her my references, she said they weren’t necessary. She unofficially offered me the job. GOD IS GOOD.

Saturday, September 5, I got a call from my sister. Our mom’s house had a buyer and they want to close the end of September. That means the first part of October I will have the money from the sale. Remember on August 28 I told my daughter we would reassess the first part of October. I thought that was the reason that date kept coming to mind. God was revealing it to me, I just didn’t know why!! GOD IS GOOD. Back in July 2008 while stopped in Sudan, Texas, at the post office to mail postcards to my grandkids from my vacation, I meet a lady who gave me a word of scripture. It has been hard to stand by this sometimes in the last year, but I have. It was Proverbs 20:21; An inheritance quickly gained at the beginning will not be blessed at the end. This is coming at the perfect timing of God. GOD IS GOOD. I knew when the money came through I would make a donation to the Women’s Ministry at church to thank God for His goodness and His faithfulness. I gave Chris (my pastor’s wife) the check October 4. (The first part of October!!)

Tuesday, September 8, 2009; Ps 1:1-3. Charles Stanley wrote, share what you’ve learned. This will encourage others while strengthening you and sinking the lesson deep in your heart. I am telling anyone who will listen to my story.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009; Gal 2:11-16. Charles Stanley wrote, our heavenly Father knows people verbally attack us, and He has promised to protect us. Nothing can touch His children apart from His permissive will. He has the power to work painful times into something beneficial (Rom 8:28). We are His beloved children. He is a loving Father who understands what we’re going through and remains by our side. As His children, we are not on our own. When we believe in the Lord’s sovereign rule, our perspective on hard times changes. We will turn to Him in prayer and ask for guidance.

Thursday, September 10, 2009; I got a email from UNT officially offering me the job. GOD IS GOOD.

October 9-11, 2009 Women’s Encounter Weekend Retreat

I knew I needed to go, but I didn’t know why. Friday night Pastor Jim began by talking about the fact that so many of us (women) grew up without a good role model as a father. I thought, God I didn’t want to deal with this on this weekend! Can’t you help me heal something else? But I quickly realized that this was why I was here and quit fighting God. He wanted me here, on this weekend to understand his love for me. That no matter what “crap” I had to deal with from my dad—he wasn’t my earthly father, he was my Heavenly Father and he LOVES me. It was a hard journey, but I came to realize my earthly father also loved me.

It’s so funny how things work!! At the close of the weekend Sunday afternoon we went to the front to have the leaders pray for us. I “thought” I wanted Chris to pray for me. But as I stepped up, Rene came across the room and asked if I was ready for her to pray for me. She said God is always talking to me and I have to be quiet and listen. As she prayed she said I was like a rose who was opening up and I was beautiful. And God loves me. As she was praying I realized why she came across the room to pray for me—she was suppose to—God had a word for me—my earthly father use to grow the most beautiful roses. So, I was a beautiful rose in earthly father’s eyes and I am a beautiful rose in my Heavenly Father’s eyes. This was a WOW moment. I have finally forgiven my dad for not being what I needed him to be. But he was a good dad, he got us away from an abusive step-father. He loved me. He just didn’t know how to show it. But that is OK, I now know in his heart—he loved me. And I love him and I miss him a lot. He really was a funny man. He would sing us funny songs when we would go to East Texas to see his parents. He made the BEST beef vegetable stew. He gave the best hugs. Oh, to have a moment now to tell him all of this. To tell him I LOVE YOU.

I keep thinking about Esther—such a time as this!! I have tried the last year to get into this study at different churches and it never worked out! It is because God needed me here at my church to lead the study. He knew I would need it at such a time as this.

This was two overwhelming weeks. I am overwhelmed by the love of my Father God. I am overwhelmed by the fact He does love me, He will protect me and He will always care for me no matter where I am in my walk. I have had such trust issues all my life. Everyone I have ever cared about has left me. I didn’t have a good role model for a dad so looking at God as “dad” has always been difficult for me. But through this I now know Him as Dad or Papa (if you have read The Shack). I know I have to have a committed prayer life, a time set aside for just us. I know he wants to bless me with the desires of my heart, but I have to be able to delight in Him. I feel anew in His love for me. Overwhelmed is the only word that can describe how I feel about His love and devotion for me.

I am not waiting for the end of November, I am anxiously anticipating (as Beth Moore says). I have not got a clue what the significance of the date, but my Father God knows and I trust that it will be overwhelming and help me to further trust Him!!!

Prayers answered:

Find a job quickly, work for a Christian, sold my mom’s house, peace with my dad

Cynical Skepticism

Cynical - doubting or contemptuous of human nature or the motives, goodness, or sincerity of others

Skeptical - tending not to believe or accept things but to question them

How do I remove this attitude from my heart? How do I make a decision to just be a bit trusting? I know I can trust God but it’s these humans I am having trouble with.

My heart tells me all people are good, honest, giving people, but my head keeps reminding me of those in the past that haven’t been so good, honest and giving.

I guess it all comes down to time. Give people time to prove themselves one way or the other. Then the decision can be made to keep them in my circle of friends or not.

I know it is best for me to keep this attitude for a while with any new person in my life. Taking the hide and watch attitude is probably best. With this attitude I can protect my tender heart. I think where the heart is concerned this is the best way to protect it from further damage. But at what point do I stop questioning everything that is said? When do I begin to accept things that are said? When do I see the motives are good and sincere?

Time will tell, as they say!